I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
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