so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize