i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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