My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize