fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
