Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
