im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She told me I should be a condom model.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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