Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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