I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had to cum in my sink.
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