i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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