took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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