Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
