I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
