Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
