ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
