ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
