I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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