He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
