I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
