so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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