i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
