i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
