i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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