JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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