just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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