i already hear my dad disowning me
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
