i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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