hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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