He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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