i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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