Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
