You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
