i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
