So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
