I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize