guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
