Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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