I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
