I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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