Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize