dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
