I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
