I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Fuck appropriateness.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
