I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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