fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My bed smells like the plague
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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