There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was CRYING into my vagina
it's like iHOP with fire
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
