Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
