i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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