How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
