Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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