Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
