I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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