I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
