god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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