if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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