I hope mine doesn't look like that
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
