How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
