My Higher Power is John Stamos
I could make wine with my vomit
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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