Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
